Donald Trump's Million Dollar Comb Over

Secret Reality Show Obsession: The Celebrity Apprentice

In the past I’ve torn relentlessly into people who watched reality shows. I would never admit to those mindless ‘sheeple’ (people who act like sheep) that for all my shouts to the contrary, I find myself secretly liking a random reality show here or there. A few weeks ago I couldn’t stop watching Kitchen Nightmares. Before that it was Project Runway. I feel secure enough in my sexuality to admit that publicly: I watch Project Runway. At various times in the past I have been enamored with Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Big Brother, and Trading Spaces. I even have the behind the scenes book for the latter. Not to say that I approve of people watching only reality television, but I admit I am watching one right now. In my diet of couch potato television, sitcoms are my chips– my staple snack. Then comes cartoons, my M&M’s, if you will. Celeb-reality is like my oversized tin of three flavor popcorn. It’s corny, cheesey, super-buttery over-the-top empty calories. My current fave flavor: The Celebrity Apprentice.
If you’re not familiar with the Apprentice premise, here’s a primer. Donald Trump is the world’s dorkiest egomaniac billionaire and owner of lots of high price real estate in New York (Trump Tower) and Las Vegas (Trump Taj Mahal). This guy puts his name on everything and SNL enjoys making fun of him and his million-dollar comb over. It’s also interesting to note that he lists Rosie O’Donnell amongst his arch nemeses. FOX owner Rupert Murdoch is undoubtedly near the top of the list as well.

Airing on NBC, The Apprentice places people from various professions on teams competing in business and marketing competitions a la Survivor. Survivor creator Mark Burnett is behind this show as well, but unlike on that show, the reward here is not food and bug spray but dollars and cents. Teams pick synergistic names like 'Paragon' or 'Hera' or anything that sounds like a model of car or deity. The Trumpster eliminates one member of the losing team at the end of each episode. The Trumpmeister even has a trademarked catch phrase, “You’re fired!” Try to picture it as Emeril Lagasse’s ‘BAM!’ but with a cheesy Travolta-esque hand gesture. SNL makes very much fun of that, too. In the end the winner gets a PR job for Trump’s company, a nice salary and a two cool titles: Executive Vice President of Public Relations and Owner’s Representative. In reality, the job is little more than a glorified poster child, officiating the grand opening of Trump Mall of America. But if the Don-minator wants to pay a million dolllars in bogus salary as a prize for his show that has earned him and NBC hundreds of kajillions of dollars then more power to him. The formula works, but it gets better. The Celebrity Apprentice takes D list actors, comics, athletes and models and make them the dancing puppets for your, my and the Donald’s entertainment.

I caught most of the first season of The Celebrity Apprentice last year but until I discovered Hulu.com. I couldn’t watch any show regularly– as a server, I work through television prime time most nights. Season two is available streaming free of charge on Hulu. New episodes usually show up there the day after airing on NBC, Sundays at 9 PM EST. I know, I’m supposed to list eastern and central times, so if you’re reading this and you’re in the central time zone, please send me an email and I’ll tell you what time the show is on where you live. That seems to me the simplest way to rectify the matter.

This season features a lot of really awful talent. On the ladies’ side, Team ATHENA, we have human exoskeleton Joan Rivers and plastic daughter Melissa. We also have the prerequisite Playboy bunny, Brande Roderick. No, she isn’t an important bunny. She’s not dating Hef and she doesn’t have her own show on E! She is blond and has decent jugs, and that’s what she’s there for. Someone who is on E! (the network, not the drug) is Kim Kardashian, playboy model, star of a notorious sex video and serial celebrity hook-up. But she’s not on this show– her chubbier sister Khloe is. She’s like Rob Lowe’s brother Brad, or Sylvester Stallone’s brother Frank. More useless than a Playboy bunny who you’ve at least seen naked or the sister of a celebrity you saw naked is a game show model you haven’t. Claudia Jordon is one of the random briefcase holding bimbos on Deal Or No Deal. I assume Donald Trump wanted host Howie Mandel but reconsidered. The Don doesn’t trust bald guys. It’s like they’re not hiding something. Barking commands through most of the show is some female poker champion, which on the celebrity food pyramid appears between female billiards champion and professional female bowler. Rounding out ATHENA’s all-star team is a female golf champion (see: female poker champion) and TLC member Tionne ‘T-Boz’ Watkins. So far T-Boz has been the quiet one, kind of like how Lisa ‘Left Eye’ Lopes has been the quiet one in TLC ever since she died.

The men’s team is just as stellar. Team Kings of the Universe (KOTU) features nearly retarded Heisman trophy winner Hershel Walker, over the hill tough guy comedian Andrew Dice Clay, and male figure skating champion (see: female poker champion) Scott Hamilton. And those are your headliners. Severly mentally ill characters Dennis Rodman and Tom Green add alcoholism and aberrant behavior to the mix, while singers Clint Black and Brian McKnight perform a cross-genre duet in trying to manage their team of madmen. Not to be without a reality show entrepreneur of their own, KOTU has Jesse James, founder of West Coast Choppers and star of eleventy four History Channel shows.

I’ve seen through episode three. Here is a brief recap of each episode to catch you up so you can obsess over the show with me. I play a drinking game when I watch, and you should too! Try to come up with one.

Episode one begins with the celebs on the deck of the USS Intrepid in Manhattan. Donald of course arrives dramatically by helicopter. He would prefer to arrive by jet pack, but he can’t find a flame retardant hair spray. The Don sets the teams to a standard Apprentice task– being street vendors. The D Listers must use their industry contacts to raise as much money as possible in a sidewalk cupcake sale. Dennis Rodman’s social anxiety disorder manifests itself early in the show. He isn’t comfortable interacting with the public and stays in the van while the other celebrities use their fame to sell pastries. The Playboy bunny gets her sugar daddy Hef to make a generous contribution and Team ATHENA easily pummels the men. The Dice Man is eliminated so painfully that he will need Preparation H for years to come. Then again, Andrew Dice Clay is so old that hemorrhoids are an occupational hazard for him, a professional asshole.

Episode two gives the teams an advertising challenge. The CEO of Zappos.com, an online shoe store, asks the celebrities (and the golfer and poker player) to create a super hero to promote the company’s focus on customer service. The ladies divvy up responsibility well and get into zero cat fights– how mundane. The men give quality performances as they quibble and bicker through the task. Best moment of the episode is Hershel Walker telling Tom Green to shut up. The Don says ‘You’re Fired! ™’ to KOTU Project manager Scott ‘straight male figure skating champion’ Hamilton. His idea of naming their heroine ‘EEE’ doesn't make sense to anyone. If Zappos were called EEE.com, however, Hamilton would have been heralded as a genius.

Episode three sees Tom Green stepping up as KOTU leader after two failed challenges. The teams will this time sell wedding dresses. It may seem like the event is stacked in the women’s favor, but don’t forget that Dennis Rodman is known for, amongst other filthier things, wearing a wedding dress. And Tom Green got famous for wearing a tutu and sucking milk from a cow’s teat. Those two have more experience with dresses than the female poker champion and golf pro combined. Unfortunately, Rodman fails to pull his weight and gets plastered throughout the episode. He misses the day of the wedding dress sale, calling in sick with a BS eye infection. Project leader Green shows up late as well and teammates suspect he and Rodman were out drinking rather late the night before.

The girls win again, sans hair pulling. Sadly, we’re not even treated to a trampling of bridal gown shoppers. In the boardroom Hershel and Clint throw both bad boys Green and Rodman under the bus. They have contradicting tales of why Dennis was MIA on day two. Dennis claimed to have had an allergic reaction to a cat, Tom said he had a reaction to a dog. Best line of the episode is when the Don questions them on this contradiction. The ladies, watching via closed circuit TV in another room, know better than to believe Dennis’ cat/dog caca. “It was a girl named Kitty,” says Melissa Rivers, Skeletor’s daughter. “Or some bitch,” retorts the Deal Or No Deal bimbo. Unfortunately Tom Green is off’ed before he can do anything truly bizarre. Like rap, which he does very well. Find the youtube video of him and Xzibit. You’re in for a treat.

To see previous The Celebrity Apprentice episodes, watch NBC Saturdays at 8 PM EST (email me for central time). NBC is airing encore showings of the previous two episodes that night before a new episode every Sunday. Hulu.com has the aired episodes as well as the SNL skits starring Darrelll Hammond as the Trump, or Trumpmaster D as I never actually call him. The one with Dwayne ‘don’t call me the Rock’ Johnson is genius. His Dennis Rodman impersonation is spot on. Little wonder Rodman had a semi-successful crossover into professional wrestling a few years back, teaming up with Hulk Hogan for a few publicity matches. Find a video of that and you’ll spew whatever you’re drinking at the time out your nose, so don’t drink when watching it, for your safety’s sake. Speaking of drinking, don’t forget to work on the drinking game ideas. My game I’m either gonna call Donald Trump’s The Celebrity Apprentice: Drink Til You Drop or Million Dollar Comb Over. You drink every time there’s a product placement, celebrity name drop or someone says Trump. Waterfall when the Don’s on screen. Yaegerbomb when he says ‘you’re fired.’ She’s a harsh mistress, that game.